Saturday, March 27, 2010

Goodbyes

I don't actually experience goodbyes very well. In the moment, it feels like yet another social obligation I have to perform that is, more often than not, awkward, unpleasant and uncomfortable. For the most part, I can't feel the emotions I am "supposed" to feel. I don't feel sadness, attachment, fear, love, loss. I can't squeeze out a tear, even for the people I care about almost to an unacceptable amount. Mostly, I feel a steely obligation to express the favorable thoughts that I think I should express. I smile, I frown, and I give lots of hugs, mostly because I just don't have anything to say. Sometimes, it takes hours, days, even weeks after the person is actually gone, before I really feel the presence of the goodbye, but by then, it's too late to really express how I feel, instead of how I think I should feel. & sometimes those two are very different.

goodbye, everyone.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Botswana9

It is March 20th and my possessions are slowly disappearing into boxes. I'm spending my time packing in every great food Chicago has to offer (just today: Kuma's Corner, Sushi Para II, Molly's Cupcakes, and iCream in Wicker Park, I'm about to vomit), seeing movies, the opera, the CSO, and (soon) Second City, and hanging out with friends. As time begins to fall short, I find myself consistently saying: "Let's not talk about Botswana"

It's not that I'm scared, I just know that talking about it will make me realize that I'll be gone for 2 years. 2 years of not seeing friends and family in our familiar surroundings. 2 years of what seems right now a very foreign and unusual thing. 2 years of unknown food, limited mobility, unknown access to internet and technology, no tv shows, no american jazz bars or Goose Island 312. On the other hand, I have to keep reminding myself that this is what I want to do. And that I'm not crazy for wanting to do it. This will be good. This will be good.

There's supposedly a facebook group of my cohort of Botswana volunteers called "Botswana9" I'm supposed to look it up and join it soon, but... well, let's not talk about Botswana.


Sunday, March 14, 2010

Approaching the Shore from the Other Side

Departure is quickly approaching and I'm not quite sure how to pass it. What do I prioritize? Getting ready? Seeing friends? Spending un-precedented time with my family? Eating? I must've gained at least 10 pounds in the past week 2 weeks and I intend on gaining more. There is still Kuma's Corner, Leona's, Nightwood, Sushi Para II, Al's chili cheese fries, and Cheesecake to be had!

Two more weeks and then I'm going to jump in a car with my brother and roadtrip to Niagra Falls and then back to Jersey. My departure date seems to have been pushed back to April 10th, so I may have a few extra days on hand. I'm already planning on spending it with my parents, I just don't know how to quite maximize that time. I know that life could be so rich, my family could be so rich, I just need to find the right attitude to make it happen.

March 26, Last Day of Work
March 29, Last Day in Chicago
April 10, Staging in Philly