Saturday, March 27, 2010

Goodbyes

I don't actually experience goodbyes very well. In the moment, it feels like yet another social obligation I have to perform that is, more often than not, awkward, unpleasant and uncomfortable. For the most part, I can't feel the emotions I am "supposed" to feel. I don't feel sadness, attachment, fear, love, loss. I can't squeeze out a tear, even for the people I care about almost to an unacceptable amount. Mostly, I feel a steely obligation to express the favorable thoughts that I think I should express. I smile, I frown, and I give lots of hugs, mostly because I just don't have anything to say. Sometimes, it takes hours, days, even weeks after the person is actually gone, before I really feel the presence of the goodbye, but by then, it's too late to really express how I feel, instead of how I think I should feel. & sometimes those two are very different.

goodbye, everyone.

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