Sunday, September 19, 2010

What I'm Not Saying...

What I'm Not Saying is that I'm miserable and sad and desperate to get home.

What I AM saying is, I've spent the past 22 nights in a motel room eating food I can't afford, taking medicines I'm not accustomed to, and staring at a bottle of Jack Daniels every morning wondering if that might make my unpredictable days run a little smoother.

What I'm Not Saying is that I'm an alcoholic or a druggie.

What I am saying is that I'm on medication that reduces my anxiety and my anxiety is heightened by the fact that I have no control over my situation or my surroundings.

What I'm Not saying is that my situation is sad or that I am in any sort of trouble.

What I am saying is that I'm learning that I am a very Type A person, that I like to plan things, that I normally know what my next step in the day is.

What I am saying is that over the past week, I don't know where my next meal is coming from, where I will be sleeping, and how much of my 80lb bag I can unpack before I have to move again. I am broke, and tired. and I don't know exactly how I'm going to get home or how long
I'm going to have to wait. I'm running out of airtime, and so is my counterpart who is supposed to be getting me a lift home. The poor girl still sends me messages in Setswana as if somehow I can read them. Poor me stares at it and thinks, "Oh No... does that mean something important!?"

What I'm not saying is that I want to go home.

What I am saying is that I miss home, but don't know how to reach it. For those of you who've called me, you know I'm useless over the phone. And when I go online, I scan my chat lists over and over again-- but for who? I don't know. No one person is going to save me from feeling scared, alone, useless, and sad...

The storm is coming, but I don't mind
People are dying, but I close my blinds.
All that I know is I'm breathing...
I want to change the world, instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me.
All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing now


**I haven't gotten your care packages because I've been away for the past month. But I will try to respond to every care package I do get in some way or another. It may be another week or two or three until I get a chance to pick things up from the post office. Have patience with me.

And suanne, yes perry can and should come visit, but I'm a bit off the beaten path and a visit to me is definitely more than a 1 day trip, unless you have your own car.

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